i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
