This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
