so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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