I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
