Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i think my cat just said my name.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
