mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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