You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
