Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
