Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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