stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
