My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
