I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
