woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
