She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
