you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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