If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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