dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
