Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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