I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
