That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
