Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
