I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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