Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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