I accidentally burped into my bong.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
