This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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