i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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