I just pynch a tree in the face
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
