I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
