Already got asked if we're dating
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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