Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
