Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
