She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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