Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
