I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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