i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
