note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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