So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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