i think i have two assholes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
