She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
