people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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