The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
