Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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