She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
