mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
