Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
