So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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