i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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