Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
