A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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