my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
