She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
